Yes…you read that correctly. How I realized the dreaded mid-life crisis isn’t a singular moment, but rather the build up of a crisis-expectant life

(Author’s note: This was originally written two years ago. I’m 42 now. I guess I still have time…?”)

I’ll be 40 in approximately one month. I’m usually not too jazzed about birthdays. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always grateful to be blessed with another year in rotation. But after 21, I don’t think there are any “milestone” birthdays…except when one hits the next decade. I guess people look forward to reaching the retirement age, 62 based on my quick internet research. My 30’s were a wild ride. I went through and learned a ton. Now, as I prepare to enter the 40-club, I wonder what this next phase of life will look like, and part of me does so with a bit of anxiety.  

In thinking about how to approach this post, I tossed around the words in my head. Mid-life Crisis. MCL…like an MCL sprain, an ailment, an affliction. Oops wait, the abbreviation for mid-life crisis wouldn’t be MCL; it’d be MLC. Maybe that doesn’t follow as well. Or does it?

I flipped the initials into a new schema. MCL: Mid-Crisis Life. I immediately gained some perspective into my topic. Before I dive in, let’s examine the familiar usage of mid-life crisis. According to VeryWellMind,

“A midlife crisis is a shift in identity that sometimes affects middle-aged adults between the ages of 40 and 60. This crisis can affect self-concept and self-confidence, leading to changes in moods, behaviors, emotions, and relationships as people cope with the transition to midlife.”

What grabbed me by the horns in this definition, other than humans needing to “cope” with living, is the part about a “shift in identity.” It suggests that the way we view ourselves changes over time, and getting older can cause some dissonance as we, according to the definition offered above, “transition to midlife.” Grappling with our own mortality and/or experiencing a major life event (the article gives job loss, divorce, and loss of a loved one as examples) can cause us to struggle with our identity.  But wait, by the time we reach the age of 40 or older, we should already have our individual identity nailed down, right? 

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I have several questions. What or when is midlife? Or who’s to say when we reach the halfway point? At what age do I officially only have half a life left? 

This brings me back to my reworked acronym, MCL: mid-crisis life. Of course, I’ll use my life as the primary case study. 

Hearkening back to my earlier post on systems and why they are apt to fail us as individuals, I’ve always operated under some sort of societally constructed framework of expectations, of course delineated on neat timelines and arbitrary benchmarks. Starting with education, I did 7 years (K-6) of elementary education at one school. I did junior high and high school at another school (7-12). After that, I went to college and graduated in the expected 4 year timeframe. I excelled in and was a shining product of the educational system. But after college, that’s where my life begin to topsy a bit. I didn’t know what was next, but I knew systems existed to help me continue charting my course. I could do 3 years of Law School and become a lawyer of some sort, but the LSAT was a pain in the ass. After college, I’m supposed to get a job right? A Stanford grad must have advanced degrees, a high-paying job, both and all! But I didn’t have the slightest clue where I wanted to work, despite taking countless “What’s Your Dream Job?” online surveys. I felt the crunch of external expectations, a need to validate and prove myself.

And so, I’ve been running a rat race trying to 1) live up to the expectations placed upon me (by whom? I don’t know, but I’ll get to that in a sec) and 2) pinpoint unfulfilled passions so I can hone in on them. I worked for a non-profit arts organization for a good stint, but that eventually wore thin what with the adulthood bills starting to mount. I balanced two jobs working at the mosque as a Mentoring Program Coordinator and as a contractor at Apple HQ in Cupertino, California shortly before landing my “dream job” at Facebook. Well, it was dreamy, to be fair, but I soon came to realize my job function really didn’t scratch any itches for me. I loved the company and my coworkers but wasn’t at all passionate about the work itself. Somewhere in there I figured I go to business school, but again, the GMAT was a beast I couldn’t muster up enough focus or discipline to ace. 

After being let go from Facebook, I moved back to Chicago and an advertising job fell in my lap. While the gig as a Digital Content Specialist sounded good on paper, in reality I didn’t feel useful or needed at the agency, which, culturally-speaking, was on the other side of the spectrum from the fun, young, open-concept, stocked kitchens and free dry cleaning start-up environment I left in Silicon Valley. What should I do next? Maybe I’ll go back to school. (See. Don’t know what the next step should be? Go back to school.) I earned a Masters in Secondary Education while in the throes of rockstar lifestyle substance abuse. After a stop and go or two, I eventually cleaned up and was healthy enough to teach. 

However, fast forward to last month, I was terminated from a teaching position I thought would finally stick. It was my fifth school in just as many years, so stability was not something the teaching profession afforded me. This was my moment, the job loss that triggered a crisis might be looming ahead.

I now sit on the doorstep of 40 and often feel like I don’t know what’s next. I wouldn’t say I feel lost, more so like I’ve tried everything and nothing’s really panned out in a super meaningful way. And that’s where the inspiration for this blog arose. Am I having a mid-life crisis?

Given the timetable in the definition above, I’m entering the 40-60 age range of “the crisis” hitting. What I’ve realized though is that this feeling, of being unfulfilled, of feeling like I have to shift my identity and start over, isn’t something that sprouted over night. I’m not having a mid-life crisis. I’ve been living a mid-crisis life. 

The VeryWellMind article brought up many interesting points for consideration, but one I’d like to call forward now is that the mid-life crisis isn’t something rooted in science, per se. It’s not official diagnosis. In fact, the extent to which people directly or indirectly describe having a mid-life crisis varies from country to country. Thus, the mid-life crisis is largely a societal construct because it is born from expectations we’ve tacitly agreed upon. We often quantify success in our lives by an external measuring stick, for example one must make at least 6 figures to be considered “rich.” We plot our lives according to society’s timetable. By 16, you get your license. By 18, you graduate, move out of your parents’ house, and either get a job or go to college. By this age, you should be doing this. Before you reach that age, you should have done that. By 62, you should be ready for retirement. You can retire earlier if you’d like, but the government says you don’t qualify for social security until 62.  

Society feeds this to us. Think about any “30 under 30” or “40 under 40” list. Here are the top 30 professionals under the age of 30 who are kicking ass in their given field. Not to shade the accomplishments of the professionals who grace these lists, but the biggest catch here is their age, as given in the title.

Look at how much these folks have accomplished at such a young age! They aren’t even 40 yet and they’re taking the world by storm! And if you’re over 40, well, you need to get it together and find some success…you have 10 years to make 50 under 50. 

These societal expectations are what gives us anxiety. There isn’t time to figure it out. Actually, time is running out, so hurry up! I alluded to this in my “Who Are You” post, that we often define ourselves by our jobs and what we do, not how we do or our why for doing. Personally, I needed to be in a job or at a school getting a degree that matched my surface identity, so when people asked, “Oh, what are you up to these days?” I could answer “Well, I just graduated from business school and am CEO of….” Even worse, I sometimes fall into the trap of comparing myself to my “successful” peers, a sure recipe for dissatisfaction and angst. 

This pressure to figure it out and fast or risk being a failure that didn’t live up to expectations, that’s mid-crisis living. The external timetable for meeting deadlines of success. The fear of people coming to the funeral with nothing profound to say and a sparse obituary briefly recounting a mediocre life. At any moment, it could all fall apart and you’ll make the wrong decision. These are hallmarks of mid-crisis living. In this view, we put our personal happiness on the back burner, eschewing deep introspection for quick fixes that neatly fit into society’s puzzle of expectations. Or, we stay locked into an identity or job because it’s comfortable. God forbid we do something else or try something new. That could be detrimental and lead to failure. Crisis is always around the corner.

“It’s not too late to start over or chose a different route.” I imagine older generations experience this sort of anxiety, perhaps after losing a job that they’ve worked for 20+ years. I’ve done X for my whole life and now I have to change gears and do something new? “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” the adage unfairly and inaccurately goes. 

As I look back on my 40 years of living, I’ve accomplished a lot. I’ve seen a lot. I’ve overcome a lot. My finances are cool. I’m surrounded by love. But if you were to ask me, “Are you happy?” I’d tell you, “Somewhat.” Because I know there’s more. All that came before is preparing me for this next phase and it took some mental work to get around the “Oh no! Crisis! What’s next?!?” The fix? Knowing that whatever lies ahead already lies within.

40 will be here next month. I plan to focus on my fitness. I plan to BE an artist, not just have my creative endeavors be a hobby alongside my job. More importantly, I plan to embrace the changes and stay in the present moment. The only timeline that matters is my own. If this is mid-life, halftime so to speak, then I’m winning big and know what adjustments I need to make to finish the game strong. Crisis averted. No pressure…

Peace and Love,

Rankofa